Dear Restaurant Owners and So-called "Chefs"

Dear Restaurant Owners and So-called "Chefs",

When I walk into a food establishment bearing a name that begins with something other than "Mc" or ending with something other than "King", I have expectations. Whether a restaurant takes pride in its reputation as a greasy spoon or flaunts itself as a 5-star extravaganza of taste bud bacchanalia, I expect it to have some sort of standards. I expect to feel like someone in the kitchen cares. I expect to feel like I, the customer, am important. Time and time again, I am sad to say that I am proven wrong.

There are two "foods" that make me cringe when they arrive on my plate, restaurant owners and so-called "chefs". Now let's get something straight right up front. I am not one of those people who complains over the slightest bit of burnt, the smallest hint of undercooked, the neglectful lumps of a curdling Hollandaise or even a hair as long as it's decidedly un-pubic. I put up with a lot when I go out to eat and I've tipped well for meals that many would send back in a heartbeat (or a heartburn, as the case may be). That said, when a plate lands under my nose bearing the culinary equivalent of an insult, I feel like paying a visit to the chef with a big fork in one hand and a bottle of vinegar in the other.

Restaurant owners and so-called "chefs", There are many things you can put on my plate that might look gross, taste gross, or just plain suck altogether. Not everyone likes everything, and as long as I think you tried to make me a happy eater I'll accept it. That said, there are two things you can put on my plate that make me crazier than a weasel in a bucket of KFC. Both of these items are considered "food" but why I'll never know. Both items tell me you really don't give a shit about your customer and both items tell me that you probably don't know good taste from bad. Both items make me pretty damn sure that I made a big mistake spending money in your fine eating establishment.

The first "food" that pisses me off is iceberg lettuce. The name says it all. What comes to mind when you think of lettuce? How about "healthy"? How about "green"? Iceberg lettuce is neither. Its nutritional value matches its colour - I think Martha Stewart sells that tint as "Whitewashed". A salad made with iceberg lettuce has all the taste appeal of a bag of puffed wheat soaked in tepid water and rolled in all-purpose flour. When I eat a salad made with IL (such an appropriate acronym) I pray that I'll find bugs. At least earwigs and beetles would add flavour and protein. Lettuce on a burger is supposed to be colourful and make it seem healthier. If you're planning on topping my burger with iceberg lettuce, try topping it with a piece of paper towel instead. At least it would suck away some grease, which is more than I can say for the lettuce. If your profit margins are falling so close to the edge that serving romaine would put you out of business, raise your freakin' prices by a dime or buy cheaper toilet paper. I'd rather wipe with newsprint than eat the butt of all greens.

The second "food" that drives me insane is frozen french fries. When my plate comes out heaped with those perfect little oblongs of soggy starch I am seriously offended. Why, why, why would ANYONE choose to serve frozen french fries in their restaurant over homemade? Yes homemade fries are more work, but people will go out of their way to eat where good french fries are served. As a publican or restaurant owner your success or failure could depend on your fries. Buy a machine to chop the potatoes or hire some kid at minimum wage, but don't serve me frozen fries unless your mascots are a clown named Ronald and a caped burger in a mask. Frozen french fries are the biggest disappointment since the day your big brother promised to take you to the circus and then made you stay in the car while he boinked the ticket lady. It doesn't matter how great the rest of the meal is, frozen fries make it all taste like crap. Handcut fries make a grizzly steak tender, a hotdog glamorous, a piece of deep fried fish worth every oily calorie in its puffy battered flesh. Frozen fries make every meal look like something your babysitter threw together while she texted her BFF with one hand and rubbed Oxy into her zits with the other. Frozen fries spell incompetence laced with the need for a good solid boot to the ass and that is NOT something I look forward to seeing on my plate.

Some foods are cheap and some foods are convenient -these are not the kind of foods that a restaurant should serve. Make me some damn fries and make them tasty or don't bother making anything at all. Restaurant owners and so-called "chefs", there are lots of place to eat out there so if iceberg lettuce is your idea of a good time I'd suggest you turn over a new leaf, and fast.