Exercise Sucks When You're on a Diet

I'm trying to lose some weight and so far I've been doing everything right - 13 pounds already, in 2.5 months! Not bad.

Losing weight is easy - at least the theory behind it is easy. Burn more calories than you eat and your hips will slide right off.

So I've been hitting the gym in the mornings and I'm picking up the pace. It feels good, I always end up a little sore but nothing serious, and I'm sweating like a horny toad in a porn shop. This should totally contribute to the calories burned and weight lost formula.

But there's a problem.

Exercising makes me friggin' hungry. I'm not talking a little nibbly or even pot-smoker munchy. After a good workout all I can think about is a Costco-sized bag of salt and vinegar kettle chips, a plate full of chocolate chip cookies, a fat cinnamon bun smooshing under the weight of too much cream cheese icing, and steak - a big bloody barbecued Porterhouse, black on the outside and blue in the middle, laden with mushrooms and onions and a side of homemade fries.

Somehow I am managing to avoid these cravings. Somehow, I peel my half red grapefruit, nosh on a 90 calorie Special K bar, and pretend that Colonel Sanders is not the patron saint of all that is good with the world. Somehow, I ignore the fact that Boston Pizza and its fake garlic and olive oil perfume is brazenly located straight beneath my office window and air conditioner. Somehow the thought of size 5 shorts and ripped arms and abs is keeping temptation at bay. For now.

Frustrated, I ponder the tipping point - the place where exercise becomes counterproductive and spurs on bouts of junk food Bacchanalia and desire-driven excess. I'm not there yet, but every delicious picture on Epicurious, every exotic ingredient in the supermarket is driving me just a little closer to the edge.

Which comes first - ripped or ravenous? I'll take a bucket of biceps with 11 secret herbs and spices, thank you. I think it was Miss Piggy who said "Never eat more than you can lift." I guess I'd better start doubling up on my weight sessions.