Dear Volkswagen Drivers (and rednecks in pickup trucks with tool chests),
I don't think you've noticed yet, but when white fluffy stuff falls from the sky, and especially when it's less fluffy and mixed with freezing rain, the roads get a tad slick. I am under the impression that this tidbit of information has escaped you because when I drive to work in such conditions, I usually find one of you planted firmly up my rectum.
Most of the time you drive so close that I can count the knuckles buried in your nostril by looking in my rear view mirror. Fortunately for you, I'm far too busy paying attention to the road to care. You may be capable of swigging your Starbucks, starting a cartoon for your backseat poop machine, chatting with your boss on the Bluetooth and adjusting your eyeliner, all while drafting me like you think you're in the Tour de France. I, on the other hand, find the challenges of stopping at red lights, yielding at crosswalks, and avoiding the wide swath of beligerent plow drivers during a storm just a little more important. Do you think your aggressive bumper rape will make me drive faster? I'll warn you now, I've left early enough that I can slow down to 30 for the entire 60 km drive and I'll STILL make it to work in time to grab a coffee on my way.
I pray, Mr. Volkswagen Driver (or redneck pickup truck owner), for your vehicle to end up sideways in a snowbank. I don't wish you bodily harm, but a little bent axle and a few 360s in the middle of a four lane highway would do you a world of good. You may be a rebel right now, impervious to snowy roads and wallowing in the delicious righteous feeling you get from blasting your high beams through the back of my car, but somewhere, sooner or later, you are going off the road.When that happens, I want to be right there to drive on past at my slightly-less-than-the-speed-limit when you do. I might even stop, pretend to offer you some assistance and then drive away with an 80's worthy "NOT!".
Back off, Volkswagen Driver (or redneck pickup truck guy). I may be slow, but surely your kids deserve a better view than my ass while you drive. Of course, with an ass like you in the seat beside them, I guess they're screwed either way.
Never mind.
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Sue, you rock
ReplyDeleteAren't we a tad cranky... ;)
ReplyDeleteAs a born and bred Southerner (by which I mean the South subjugated by that same Yankee imperialism which now rides roughshod over the whole world), who nevertheless harbors a love-hate relationship with the land of his birth, I found your excellent diatribe both affirming and disappointing at once. On the one hand, it was affirming to know that these knuckle-dragging rednecks are indeed not a Southern phenomenon, nor even an American one for that matter. On the other hand, it's disheartening to realize there is nowhere to go to be rid of their belligerent, willfully ignorant ways.
ReplyDeleteI came upon your site while consulting the Oracle of Google as to why it is that rednecks drive -more- aggressively in snow, so apparently our shared observations indicate a pretty universal phenomenon.
I think I've pinned it: the fast-pace work environment of their undoubtedly bluest-shade-of-bluecollar jobs has forced them to become mentally aware (I know, it's like they've learned to evolve with the rest of us) that their dead-end job is a direct result of their careless lack of motivation (/ability?) to better their lives through an education that would give them a better paying job.
ReplyDeleteThat or they went through their last can of dip and there's a buy one get one free sale somewhere.