Facebook has been tempting me lately with those stupid little quizzes designed to show me who I really am. Well Facebook, I have to say, you've let me down.
I suppose we'd all like to think that the secret to our inner selves is as easily determined as pushing a radio button and submitting to the data gods. It is, after all, much cheaper than therapy. But don't be so easily led down the garden path. I'm here to tell you that in the world of psyche insight, Facebook is an imposter, plain and simple.
The first quiz I took was called "What Muppet are You". Harmless enough, I thought, and with the variety of muppets there's a good chance that it will be at least a little accurate.
That is until I discovered that I am Kermit the Frog.
Now don't get me wrong, I like Kermit a lot. He's got a decent singing voice for an amphibian and he can ride a bike, to boot. But a male frog? Well, I have one less foam filled appendage, Facebook. The quiz cites Kermit as a leader. While I don't mind seeing myself in that role, Kermit's a bit of a pushover if you ask me. Thanks a lot, quiz.
So to hell with the Muppets, let's try something a little more relevant to modern life, like, oh, I dunno, Greek Gods! Well, I come up with another male. This time I'm Poisiedon, widely worshipped by seamen. That just sounds wrong no matter how you spell it! Difficult, quarrelsome personality? Greedy?!? Facebook, I'd shake you within an inch of your life if I didn't think I could milk this for some compensation first. Stupid quiz!
OK, enough with comparing myself to puppets and deities... let's just see what other people think about me. So I take the What Do People Think of You at First Sight quiz.
The answer? "You are Cute!" WTF? I go from being a frog with great leadership skills to a greedy, difficult, quarrelsome son of a bitch to CUTE?!? Apparently people feel like they need to protect me. Awww. Who's idea of a bad joke is this? The kitten in the picture inspires rage, not sappy feelings. What the hell is wrong with you, Facebook? You're a moron!
Pressing onwards I take the "How Many Kids Will You Have" quiz. If there's any hope of Facebook redeeming itself the answer should be obvious here. There's not a maternal bone in my body - everyone knows I love kids as long as I can give them back when I'm done.
"3 girls" is NOT the answer I was expecting. That's 3 girls too many. I've gone from ridiculous to impossible in just a few stupid quizzes. Didn't Facebook see my ad just a few blogs ago putting my ovaries on the market?
I finally realized Facebook quizzes are a complete and unquestionable waste of time when I came across the "What Breakfast Cereal Are You?" quiz. In most cases there were no answers to questions that even remotely applied to me and the stupid quiz wouldn't let me leave any answers blank. So fudging the answers, I determined that I'm Rice Krispies because I like the sound. Actually, noise of that nature irritates me beyond belief. And how the hell can I be a breakfast cereal anyway?
I give Facebook one last chance and take the "Which type of woman are you? " quiz. Success! The quiz tells me I'm an "Action (Wo)man". Why "Wo" is in brackets, I don't know, but Action Woman sounds like it could be close! I read on. I have an athletic body, I am tough, I reflect inner and emotional strength. Now that's more like it! But wait, further down I learn that this is not my destiny, that if I try to be as strong as men I will fail, that I am unreachable and no guy could ever catch my heart because my "heart got too hard". So although I may not be a miserable mariner, a grain of rice or a frog, I'm destined to spend my life alone because bad grammar tells me so! Oh, well, alone except for my 3 daughters who I'll have to name Snap, Krackle and Pop.
Screw this, I'm throwing away my inner strength and ignoring Facebook so I can go learn to knit myself a pair of flipper mitts. Facebook quizzes suck.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
The Trouble With Easter
Although I was raised in a decidedly Christian family, Christianity and the practices associated with it have disturbed me since I was old enough to think for myself. Although most of the popular Christian holidays have questionable attributes (flying reindeer and Christmas, Lent and self-deprivation), Easter is by far the strangest holiday of them all.
So what is Easter all about? Well, on the surface, it's really pretty morbid. Take one popular dude, turn his friends against him, nail him to a cross and stick him in a tomb. Three days later he rolls the big ole rock away from the entrance and crawls out, unscathed but for a few little wounds on his hands and feet. Bandaid might make it better, but according to the tale of Jesus, if you're down with God even the Grim Reaper can't touch that.
So Easter is about the Son of God dying (to save us from sin, as legend has it) and then rising from the dead, not as a zombie, but as a normal dude, just like before. Makes for a good story, I'll give them that.
But is that really what Easter is about? Well, a visit to Walmart tells me otherwise. After all, a stroll through the candy aisle is a visual assault of chocolate rabbits, foil-covered eggs and marshmallow peeps. I don't see a single Cocoa Crispy Christ on the shelves, not even a package of Cross Ribs. So what gives? We celebrate the death and undeath of the Son of God by eating really waxy chocolate hares? Something just doesn't seem right.
Turns out that Easter wasn't always Easter. The predecessor of Easter was Eastre, a pagan celebration of the goddess of springtime and reproduction, and Eastre was, appropriately enough, manifested in an earthly form as a rabbit. So all you good Christian folks out there buying up the Easter Bunnies are really paying homage to a Pagan goddess. Did you know that?
Somewhere along the line the Christians realized they'd probably be in big trouble if they tried to celebrate the Resurrection of Christ while the pagans were celebrating the bigger picture. Instead of celebrating a distinctive festival, they decided to "appropriate" Eastre and change the festivities a tad. In other words, Easter is a rip-off because the Christians were afraid that, unlike Jesus, they probably wouldn't be rising from the dead, as zombies or anything else.
So we celebrate the fact that God's son died and came back from the dead (and not as a zombie) by stuffing our kids with chocolate Easter bunnies, the symbol of reproduction. Could this be the real cause behind promiscuity and pregnancy in teens? Probably not - after all, Easter bunnies are losing ground to chocolate Homer Simpsons, chocolate High School Musical, chocolate Spiderman and chocolate Disney Princesses. There goes that theory. I guess modernity is now appropriating Easter.
Somehow the idea of celebrating the end of winter and arrival of spring, the rebirth of the natural world, and getting busy like bunnies is appealing. Much more appealing than celebrating a dude who died but came back to life, not as a zombie. I'm going to the drugstore to hunt down some chocolate, and you can bet your little winter-white tail it's going to be chocolate in the shape of a rabbit. Those people celebrating Easter can have the chocolate motorcycles and the marshmallow Mickey Mice. Until they smarten up and start gnoshing on Jelly Bean Jesus, I'm sticking to the real deal.
Happy Eastre, friends.
So what is Easter all about? Well, on the surface, it's really pretty morbid. Take one popular dude, turn his friends against him, nail him to a cross and stick him in a tomb. Three days later he rolls the big ole rock away from the entrance and crawls out, unscathed but for a few little wounds on his hands and feet. Bandaid might make it better, but according to the tale of Jesus, if you're down with God even the Grim Reaper can't touch that.
So Easter is about the Son of God dying (to save us from sin, as legend has it) and then rising from the dead, not as a zombie, but as a normal dude, just like before. Makes for a good story, I'll give them that.
But is that really what Easter is about? Well, a visit to Walmart tells me otherwise. After all, a stroll through the candy aisle is a visual assault of chocolate rabbits, foil-covered eggs and marshmallow peeps. I don't see a single Cocoa Crispy Christ on the shelves, not even a package of Cross Ribs. So what gives? We celebrate the death and undeath of the Son of God by eating really waxy chocolate hares? Something just doesn't seem right.
Turns out that Easter wasn't always Easter. The predecessor of Easter was Eastre, a pagan celebration of the goddess of springtime and reproduction, and Eastre was, appropriately enough, manifested in an earthly form as a rabbit. So all you good Christian folks out there buying up the Easter Bunnies are really paying homage to a Pagan goddess. Did you know that?
Somewhere along the line the Christians realized they'd probably be in big trouble if they tried to celebrate the Resurrection of Christ while the pagans were celebrating the bigger picture. Instead of celebrating a distinctive festival, they decided to "appropriate" Eastre and change the festivities a tad. In other words, Easter is a rip-off because the Christians were afraid that, unlike Jesus, they probably wouldn't be rising from the dead, as zombies or anything else.
So we celebrate the fact that God's son died and came back from the dead (and not as a zombie) by stuffing our kids with chocolate Easter bunnies, the symbol of reproduction. Could this be the real cause behind promiscuity and pregnancy in teens? Probably not - after all, Easter bunnies are losing ground to chocolate Homer Simpsons, chocolate High School Musical, chocolate Spiderman and chocolate Disney Princesses. There goes that theory. I guess modernity is now appropriating Easter.
Somehow the idea of celebrating the end of winter and arrival of spring, the rebirth of the natural world, and getting busy like bunnies is appealing. Much more appealing than celebrating a dude who died but came back to life, not as a zombie. I'm going to the drugstore to hunt down some chocolate, and you can bet your little winter-white tail it's going to be chocolate in the shape of a rabbit. Those people celebrating Easter can have the chocolate motorcycles and the marshmallow Mickey Mice. Until they smarten up and start gnoshing on Jelly Bean Jesus, I'm sticking to the real deal.
Happy Eastre, friends.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
For Sale: Several Fresh Organs and a Couple of Hairy Moles
Spring is here, and in the interest of making some extra space and simplifying life I've decided to liquidate the body parts I have no use for. Best offers accepted, purchaser must arrange for pickup or transportation at his or her own cost. I accept cash or Paypal, sorry, no layaways. Here's what I have to offer:
1. One appendix, lightly used. So far it has operated smoothly without requiring any maintenance whatsoever. This appendix runs very quietly, once installed you'll hardly know that it's there. Location certificate will follow removal as I currently have no idea which side it occupies.
2. One set of tonsils, as is. This pair of tonsils has seen better days, it has been prone to swelling and in the start up years, frequent applications of antibiotics were required to keep these tonsils from breaking down. Tonsils have been running without a problem for over a decade now, and I suspect the bugs have been worked out of them. Probably not suitable as a primary set of tonsils, but if you're looking for parts, these are just dandy.
3. Ovaries, as a set or will part out. Excellent condition, but I have no use for these and I don't really have the time to give them the upkeep they deserve. I have every reason to believe that these ovaries have years of functional life remaining. Why just buy an egg or two when you can have the whole production facility at your disposal? Act quickly, these are guaranteed to go fast.
4. Fatty deposits, 5-10 pounds. I know, I know, you can't give this stuff away, but someone out there must need a little insulation. I'd prefer to get rid of it all at once but if you only need a pound or two I'm open to negotiation. Will include a bag of clothing, size large, and a month's worth of chocolate bars and cookies to help maintain the new you.
5. Hairy moles, 2 or 3 only. These cute little critters can't wait to find their forever home. Are you the right match? Must go to a caring person who can give them lots of attention and make sure they don't get too large. Good price to the right home.
6. Gray hair, very long. Not for sale but will trade for something interesting... perhaps natural auburn or red? 6 inches or longer, please, short hair owners need not apply.
Interested parties should email or contact the number below. No tire kickers, serious inquiries only. Parts not listed above are not for sale, please don't ask.
1. One appendix, lightly used. So far it has operated smoothly without requiring any maintenance whatsoever. This appendix runs very quietly, once installed you'll hardly know that it's there. Location certificate will follow removal as I currently have no idea which side it occupies.
2. One set of tonsils, as is. This pair of tonsils has seen better days, it has been prone to swelling and in the start up years, frequent applications of antibiotics were required to keep these tonsils from breaking down. Tonsils have been running without a problem for over a decade now, and I suspect the bugs have been worked out of them. Probably not suitable as a primary set of tonsils, but if you're looking for parts, these are just dandy.
3. Ovaries, as a set or will part out. Excellent condition, but I have no use for these and I don't really have the time to give them the upkeep they deserve. I have every reason to believe that these ovaries have years of functional life remaining. Why just buy an egg or two when you can have the whole production facility at your disposal? Act quickly, these are guaranteed to go fast.
4. Fatty deposits, 5-10 pounds. I know, I know, you can't give this stuff away, but someone out there must need a little insulation. I'd prefer to get rid of it all at once but if you only need a pound or two I'm open to negotiation. Will include a bag of clothing, size large, and a month's worth of chocolate bars and cookies to help maintain the new you.
5. Hairy moles, 2 or 3 only. These cute little critters can't wait to find their forever home. Are you the right match? Must go to a caring person who can give them lots of attention and make sure they don't get too large. Good price to the right home.
6. Gray hair, very long. Not for sale but will trade for something interesting... perhaps natural auburn or red? 6 inches or longer, please, short hair owners need not apply.
Interested parties should email or contact the number below. No tire kickers, serious inquiries only. Parts not listed above are not for sale, please don't ask.
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