For Sale: Several Fresh Organs and a Couple of Hairy Moles

Spring is here, and in the interest of making some extra space and simplifying life I've decided to liquidate the body parts I have no use for. Best offers accepted, purchaser must arrange for pickup or transportation at his or her own cost. I accept cash or Paypal, sorry, no layaways. Here's what I have to offer:

1. One appendix, lightly used. So far it has operated smoothly without requiring any maintenance whatsoever. This appendix runs very quietly, once installed you'll hardly know that it's there. Location certificate will follow removal as I currently have no idea which side it occupies.

2. One set of tonsils, as is. This pair of tonsils has seen better days, it has been prone to swelling and in the start up years, frequent applications of antibiotics were required to keep these tonsils from breaking down. Tonsils have been running without a problem for over a decade now, and I suspect the bugs have been worked out of them. Probably not suitable as a primary set of tonsils, but if you're looking for parts, these are just dandy.

3. Ovaries, as a set or will part out. Excellent condition, but I have no use for these and I don't really have the time to give them the upkeep they deserve. I have every reason to believe that these ovaries have years of functional life remaining. Why just buy an egg or two when you can have the whole production facility at your disposal? Act quickly, these are guaranteed to go fast.

4. Fatty deposits, 5-10 pounds. I know, I know, you can't give this stuff away, but someone out there must need a little insulation. I'd prefer to get rid of it all at once but if you only need a pound or two I'm open to negotiation. Will include a bag of clothing, size large, and a month's worth of chocolate bars and cookies to help maintain the new you.

5. Hairy moles, 2 or 3 only. These cute little critters can't wait to find their forever home. Are you the right match? Must go to a caring person who can give them lots of attention and make sure they don't get too large. Good price to the right home.

6. Gray hair, very long. Not for sale but will trade for something interesting... perhaps natural auburn or red? 6 inches or longer, please, short hair owners need not apply.

Interested parties should email or contact the number below. No tire kickers, serious inquiries only. Parts not listed above are not for sale, please don't ask.