Facebook Doesn't Know Me At All!

Facebook has been tempting me lately with those stupid little quizzes designed to show me who I really am. Well Facebook, I have to say, you've let me down.

I suppose we'd all like to think that the secret to our inner selves is as easily determined as pushing a radio button and submitting to the data gods. It is, after all, much cheaper than therapy. But don't be so easily led down the garden path. I'm here to tell you that in the world of psyche insight, Facebook is an imposter, plain and simple.

The first quiz I took was called "What Muppet are You". Harmless enough, I thought, and with the variety of muppets there's a good chance that it will be at least a little accurate.

That is until I discovered that I am Kermit the Frog.

Now don't get me wrong, I like Kermit a lot. He's got a decent singing voice for an amphibian and he can ride a bike, to boot. But a male frog? Well, I have one less foam filled appendage, Facebook. The quiz cites Kermit as a leader. While I don't mind seeing myself in that role, Kermit's a bit of a pushover if you ask me. Thanks a lot, quiz.

So to hell with the Muppets, let's try something a little more relevant to modern life, like, oh, I dunno, Greek Gods! Well, I come up with another male. This time I'm Poisiedon, widely worshipped by seamen. That just sounds wrong no matter how you spell it! Difficult, quarrelsome personality? Greedy?!? Facebook, I'd shake you within an inch of your life if I didn't think I could milk this for some compensation first. Stupid quiz!

OK, enough with comparing myself to puppets and deities... let's just see what other people think about me. So I take the What Do People Think of You at First Sight quiz.

The answer? "You are Cute!" WTF? I go from being a frog with great leadership skills to a greedy, difficult, quarrelsome son of a bitch to CUTE?!? Apparently people feel like they need to protect me. Awww. Who's idea of a bad joke is this? The kitten in the picture inspires rage, not sappy feelings. What the hell is wrong with you, Facebook? You're a moron!

Pressing onwards I take the "How Many Kids Will You Have" quiz. If there's any hope of Facebook redeeming itself the answer should be obvious here. There's not a maternal bone in my body - everyone knows I love kids as long as I can give them back when I'm done.

"3 girls" is NOT the answer I was expecting. That's 3 girls too many. I've gone from ridiculous to impossible in just a few stupid quizzes. Didn't Facebook see my ad just a few blogs ago putting my ovaries on the market?

I finally realized Facebook quizzes are a complete and unquestionable waste of time when I came across the "What Breakfast Cereal Are You?" quiz. In most cases there were no answers to questions that even remotely applied to me and the stupid quiz wouldn't let me leave any answers blank. So fudging the answers, I determined that I'm Rice Krispies because I like the sound. Actually, noise of that nature irritates me beyond belief. And how the hell can I be a breakfast cereal anyway?

I give Facebook one last chance and take the "Which type of woman are you? " quiz. Success! The quiz tells me I'm an "Action (Wo)man". Why "Wo" is in brackets, I don't know, but Action Woman sounds like it could be close! I read on. I have an athletic body, I am tough, I reflect inner and emotional strength. Now that's more like it! But wait, further down I learn that this is not my destiny, that if I try to be as strong as men I will fail, that I am unreachable and no guy could ever catch my heart because my "heart got too hard". So although I may not be a miserable mariner, a grain of rice or a frog, I'm destined to spend my life alone because bad grammar tells me so! Oh, well, alone except for my 3 daughters who I'll have to name Snap, Krackle and Pop.

Screw this, I'm throwing away my inner strength and ignoring Facebook so I can go learn to knit myself a pair of flipper mitts. Facebook quizzes suck.